God’s special gift that he gave to Adam and Eve in the garden before the fall has been trampled by the devil. Adam and Eve were to come together as one flesh (body, soul & spirit). They were naked and not ashamed. After the temptation of Satan with his distortion of truth, the gift of passion to be enjoyed by husband and wife has been desecrated in so many ways. The definition of desecrated is: violent disrespect.
Because of all types of sexual sins, abuse and betrayals, God’s ‘gift of sex’ to husbands and wives has been torn asunder. Godly sexual respect is totally missing from the world. Sex has become a vile, vulgar, commodity. It’s bought and sold through pornography that desecrates women. A woman becomes a sex object, not a beautiful precious design of God to live to give Him glory in all aspects of her life.
In my 21 years of counseling, I’ve asked all couples I work with, “Have you read a God-based book on the intimate act of marriage?” The answer I receive is, “No.” Just because we know about sex between male and female does not mean we have the knowledge necessary for both husbands and wives to be great lovers. With the world’s casual view on sex (hooking up – friends benefits – sex without commitment – oral sex), it has destroyed the sacredness of what God intended as a special intimate bonding experience between one man and one woman for life. The world may have changed, but our God changes not.
The Bible instructs the husbands to love their own wives as Christ loved the church and ‘gave himself for her.’ That’s a sacrificial love. We love Christ because He first loved us. A woman must be nurtured emotionally and spiritually before she will fully respond sexually. Dr. Kevin Leman wrote a book called, Sex Begins in the Kitchen. No, it is not about ‘doing it’ in the kitchen! He instructs a husband to sincerely compliment his wife throughout the day. Be sure there are no conflicts left unsettled for the day. Be helpful around the house and with the family. Show genuine concern and care regarding your wife’s interests. Give non-sexual hugs and kisses.
Spend time daily sharing emotionally about the positives and negatives of the day. Spend some time in Bible reading and prayer with wife and family. When a wife feels loved unconditionally and respected as a woman of God by her husband, she will want to respond physically in a safe environment. If a husband flicks is wife on the bottom continuously, grabs her body parts and makes disrespectful comments, these are major turn-offs to her – especially in front of the children or other people. The wife then feels just like a ‘sex object’ instead of ‘flesh of your flesh and bone of your bone.’
God said, “Love your wife as you love your own body.” Cherish her. Make provision for her. Show her respect. If you love her respectfully outside of the bedroom, she will meet your needs in the bedroom.
If the wife has been the victim of sexual abuse, this creates multiple problems in the physical intimacy of marriage. Sights, sounds, touch and smell can all be major triggers to make her recoil from her husband. The emotional damage resulting from sexual abuse is overpowering. To help you and your wife you must get the book, The Door of Hope by Jan Frank and Healing for Damaged Emotions by David Seamands. Do not expect her to ‘just get over it.’ I’ve counseled several women who were sexually abused by their own fathers from the time they could remember until they moved out of their home at the age of 18. Until you get educated about the horrible after affects of sexual abuse, please do not condemn your wife. She needs emotional and spiritual healing to be able to fully give herself in loving marital passion.
Husbands, be the priest/pastor of your home. Get educated. Order a fabulous book: Intended for Pleasure by Dr. Ed Wheat. It is a god-based book about physical intimacy in marriage based on the Word of God. It will teach you both how to be good lovers. You will learn about the physiological differences between male and female and how God designed both to work together for full sexual enjoyment. Read and study the book together with your wife. God’s intent was for a godly husband and wife to be naked and not ashamed.
As parents, the more comfortable you are with your own sexuality, the more comfortable you will be teaching your own children about their sexuality at the appropriate age levels with a Godly respect. If you don’t teach them, the world will teach them. Your daily interaction as parents with healthy hugs in front of the children teaches them about love and respect between a husband and wife.
Personal hygiene is important for married lovers. Body odor and mouth stench is a turn off. Take the time to prepare yourself for love. Read the book of Solomon, you may learn something.
Ephesians 4: 31 & 32 – “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” When you allow yourself to be Holy Ghost controlled, the Fruit of the Spirit (Gals. 5) will flow from you – ‘love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, longsuffering, kindness and self-control.’ Being willing to learn and grow in God will reap you great rewards in your marriage. The marriage bed will be surrounded with God’s love and fulfillment!
© Carol Clemans – May 2013
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